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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26555560">Three Words I Cannot Say</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatHalGuy/pseuds/ThatHalGuy'>ThatHalGuy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>I had an idea and it needed to come out, M/M, Monsters, Narrator is vague as hell, Pronoun games like crazy, Supernatural Elements, but far enough removed to not really be fanfic, i dunno guys, inspired by a podcast, tried to keep it simple but yeah</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:53:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>981</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26555560</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatHalGuy/pseuds/ThatHalGuy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Looking back on our memories can provide insight into what actions led us to our present. Sometimes it is to see the good that we have done, sometimes the bad. But how should you look upon your memories when all you've done is hurt those who care about you and bring about something that even the most trusting cannot forgive? Perhaps the fact that you cannot find meaning in the words you tell yourself is a sign.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Original Male Character/Original Male Character</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Three Words I Cannot Say</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I know very few are gonna read this story, but hey. I wrote something original! That's rare for me! And even rarer that I finish such a thing, so double victory! To those who do read this, I hope you like it. Cheers!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I love him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We did not start off well. I was shrewd, focused on my job. He was awkward and attempting to be sociable. We were coworkers. When we met, the impression I got was of a bumbling idiot who couldn't be trusted with anything. I'm sure he hoped to improve my view of him, to show he could be competent and deserving of respect. I hated him, cast skepticism on his actions. No matter what he tried, I wouldn’t change my mind. We worked a job researching the supernatural. Of course, I didn’t believe it, but as time progressed things became harder to dismiss. Strange connections cropped up all around me. He had an encounter with something dangerous. When it came for us, I was forced to admit there were creatures I could not explain away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Doubt crept into my mind. If monsters were real, then who could I trust? Who was telling the truth? I pushed everyone away. I sought to learn of all the dangers hidden in our world, and distance myself from the threats. It only made things worse. I isolated myself, turned my colleagues and friends against me, and wound up desperate for help when I was cornered by a threat I hadn’t seen until too late. He still wanted to help me, and I feared betrayal or endangering others around me. I fled. I knew the monsters would be coming for me now that I was becoming more aware of them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He still believed in me. He wanted me to return, to help. I needed answers. I needed to know if I could stop the monsters. I had to stop them. Even if it meant never coming back, I had to try. The more I learned, the more danger there was. The more risk I put upon myself. And yet, even as all others mistrusted me for abandoning them, he was still there. But I couldn’t tell him. I had sought for answers so hard, I had unknowingly traded with something beyond my understanding. Now I was bound to it in my search for knowledge. Despite the others’ hesitation, we stopped a disaster. But it was too late for me, and I found myself at death’s door with a choice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Months were lost to me. I woke up changed. The thing I was bound to was growing stronger within me. The wedge between me and the remaining people I knew grew deeper. Even he was distant. My attempt to reconnect fell dead at his feet. I knew I was losing him to his own monster. I needed more answers. I needed to know. As I searched for a way to end all the monsters, to know if there was a way out, anything, he drifted further and further away. His eyes were foggy, lost in a sea of something I knew would pull him away forever. I decided I needed him back. So I chased. At the brink of the abyss he would have slid into, I caught him and pulled him back. I told myself it was love that kept us together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We found solitude, feeling we had escaped the chaos at last, when the thing within me began to fully bloom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Words poured unbidden from my lips as the power I had claimed manifested in the world around me.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Knowledge was my downfall. I had allowed myself to use this monster’s power for my own selfish desires, and now it consumed me.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I woke to his face, wrought with fear and worry, and I knew what I had done. The beast I had fed with my thirst for answers now wreaked havoc on the world. This was my fault.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He waits for me to finish grieving, but how can I possibly forgive myself? Chaos rules, and I have no way to fix it. All because I was blind to what cost I had paid in that trade, so long ago.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I tell myself that every day. I remind myself that I care for him, that I didn’t mean to do this, had no idea… But it feels hollow. So I say it again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It still doesn’t sound right. If I say it enough, surely it will ring true. It will become real with enough repetition, right? Again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him I love him I love him IlovehimIlovehimIlovehimI-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But the words don’t fit. I can feel myself slipping. I can see the fog creeping back into his eyes as I grow detached from the now. The numbing acceptance of reality seeps into my bones, and I settle in my chair, staring out the window at the world I created. I don’t think I ever truly loved him. Not like he did for me. And now as I lose myself in what I’ve become, I can see him giving up on me at last. The monster I thought I freed him from coils around his soul once again, and he is gone. There is only me, now. Me and the memories of all I’ve done wrong. The monster I created comes to me in my solitude and wraps its limbs around me, whispers sweetly in my mind, and I smile. Yes. This is where I belong. This is how it should be. Just me and my bonded creature, who has been with me through so much, helped me chase my ambitions, encouraged me when I faltered. It curls around me and I sink into its familiar presence. It murmurs, deep in my heart, that it loves me. I close my eyes and speak, the words’ honesty felt through the bond we share.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I love it too.</span>
</p>
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